The Adventures of Scary Mask Man and the Big, Dark, Rainy City

Scary Mask Man as you've never seen him before -- fighting crime against the clock while being desperately outnumbered. Wait a minute

Big Dark Rainy City is a tough place. That's why Scary Mask Man is here to bring his two-fisted brand of justice to the big, dark, rainy streets -- and this time he's up against his old foe Fear Man and his new foe, Mystery Bad Man. Join Scary Mask Man as he punches crime to within an inch of its life (but not any further, because Scary Mask Man has sworn a solemn vow never to kill).


SCARY MASK MAN: Looks like there's more crimes than ever in Big Dark Rainy City tonight. I had better go fight them

SIDEKICK #1: We can get this done in, like, half the time if you just let me help out



FEAR MAN: Get a load of this, Scary Mask Man! I forced the whole city to evacuate in fear! Now the only people left are roving gangs of deranged criminals. AND I teamed up with a number of your other enemies to attack you all at once! I bet you won't be able to stop us AND punch all the criminals in the city, all in one single night!

SCARY MASK MAN: This seems familiar somehow


SEXY PLANT LADY: Ha ha ha! How primitive! Plant good, but human bad

SCARY MASK MAN: [incoherent bass machismo]



SIDEKICK #2: Seriously like let's team up

SCARY MASK MAN: I told you to stop calling me

MYSTERY BAD MAN: I made an army of tanks to take control of the city! I bet you won't be able to stop them!

SCARY MASK MAN: I killed all the tanks

MYSTERY BAD MAN: Okay but you won't be able to stop them a second time

SCARY MASK MAN: I killed the tanks again

MYSTERY BAD MAN: A third wave of tanks will sort this out


SCARY MASK MAN: Butler are you there

BUTLER: Very good, sir

SCARY MASK MAN: Butler I feel a need to laboriously narrate every single one of my thought processes and bodily functions to you for some reason

BUTLER: Very good, sir

SCARY MASK MAN: I am now placing my left foot in front of my right foot


QUESTION MARK VILLAIN: Finally, Scary Mask Man. It has come down to this


QUESTION MARK VILLAIN: Just you and me. A battle of wits. A mental duel of champions


QUESTION MARK VILLAIN: I built an entire raceway underground just for you to drive your big scary car around in and have fun

SCARY MASK MAN: Seems legit

COMPUTER LADY: If I reconfigure the DNS on the cyber mainframe I can USB the data to the overclock processor!

SCARY MASK MAN: We've been looking at this the wrong way. What if we nucleic peptide to the chain reaction of the biochemistry cell wall?

COMPUTER LADY: It's so obvious


SIDEKICK #3: I noticed that you're dying and could use help. Maybe if all four of us teamed up

SCARY MASK MAN: You just don't get it


SEXY CAT LADY: Meow. Rowr. Haha. Flirtatious double entendre

SEXY CAT LADY: Purr. Purr. Purr

SEXY CAT LADY: Oh my. Rowr. What's a girl to do? Haha


SCARY MASK MAN: So should I just leave, or


FEAR MAN: It's too late, Scary Mask Man. I have shown the whole city what a failure you are

SCARY MASK MAN: What do you mean. I have been consistently thwarting your plans for like six hours

FEAR MAN: Ha ha ha! They all see you for the failure you are!

SCARY MASK MAN: We evacuated the city, dude. The only people who can see you doing anything are a bunch of deranged criminals who you have repeatedly gassed

FEAR MAN: Ha ha ha ha ha

SCARY MASK MAN: This crime looks complex. I might need to use my CrimeSolver gadget

Seven minutes pass.

SCARY MASK MAN: I can solve this crime using my CrimeSolver


MYSTERY BAD MAN: Okay, but you definitely won't be able to defeat a SEVENTEENTH wave of tanks



RANDOM GOON: We're gonna mess you up, Scary Mask Man! You're gonna be dead!

SCARY MASK MAN: I am literally, right now, standing on a three-deep pile of bodies from the last people who tried to punch me

RANDOM GOON: Nah I'm feeling good about this


SCARY MASK MAN: I do not kill

SCARY MASK MAN electrocutes a puddle of water in which several guards are standing.

SCARY MASK MAN: They're just sleeping

POLICE DAD, SLAMMING DOWN A PHONE: These damn bureaucrats won't help us! We're on our own

SCARY MASK MAN: Don't worry, Police Dad. We can defeat the crimes

POLICE DAD picks up and slams down the phone repeatedly

SCARY MASK MAN: Dude, stop


MYSTERY BAD MAN: I bet you don't know who I am, Scary Mask Man! I bet you don't know! I bet you're completely unable to guess who I am!

SCARY MASK MAN: Have you even read any of the comics

SCARY MASK MAN: Like, ever

MYSTERY BAD MAN: Shut the hell up


SIDEKICK #4: Just checking in about the backup thing since you seem to be bleeding out and on the verge of death

SCARY MASK MAN: You're fired


FEAR MAN: I have you now, Scary Mask Man. Tonight... you will finally taste true fear

SCARY MASK MAN: I have literally thwarted every single one of your schemes for the past ten years

FEAR MAN: Yeah but this time it's different


SCARY MASK MAN: Alright. I did it. It's finally done. I defeated all the Bad Mans

BUTLER: You must complete a minimum of seven side quests to access the ending


Originally published on on July 6, 2015. Warner Bros. PR blacklisted me following the publication of this article.