Exclusive look at this upcoming blockbuster.
Late last week, the next Call of Duty game was leaked ahead of time. Activision later confirmed the leak, revealing Advanced Warfare -- which is, essentially, Call of Duty in the near-future with robotic exoskeleton suits and hoverbikes.
But we went a step further than that and actually drove to Activision's offices to rummage through their trash. Fortunately for us, they forgot to shred one of their scripts, and we've wiped the stains off it and transcribed it for you here.
Un-named country. Probably China. PRIVATE MITCHELL is talking to WILL IRONS. They have both been soldiering for a very long time together and are extremely good soldiers with sick gun skills.
MITCHELL: War is bad. I’ve just done a lot of it, and it’s quite bad.
MITCHELL stares into the middle distance. We see some drones flying around and maybe a robot, so you know it’s the near future. There is an explosion. Quietly, in the background, Avenged Sevenfold is playing.
Mitchell says a few more things so that nobody with a working pair of ears can miss that he is voiced by TROY BAKER. The future-phone rings, interrupting them. It’s KEVIN SPACEY from House of Cards.
WILL: Hey Dad. Me and Mitchell just finished doing war. It was bad, but we were real good at it.
KEVIN: I know. I’m the head of a powerful private military corporation. Do you boys want to do some more war but in some robotic suits? You can totally jump hella high.
MITCHELL: Heck yes.
NOTE: Use a swear word in the final script to show that war is bad.
The White House. KEVIN SPACEY, MITCHELL and IRONS are being personally briefed by THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
PRESIDENT: You have to stop the super terrorists. They’re making terrorisms all over the world. Everyone is having 9/11s except on different dates. But they are still 9/11s.
MITCHELL and IRONS are stunned by the video footage of the super terrorists.
KEVIN: We can stop the super terrorists. But it’ll cost you because I am the head of a powerful private military corporation.
Zoom in on KEVIN SPACEY. He is smirking a little because he is untrustworthy and has a hidden, ruthless agenda.
PRESIDENT: Stop these super terrorists. Whatever the cost.
KEVIN: Oh, there will be a cost all right.
The camera zooms further in on Kevin Spacey, now showing only his nostrils. He is so utterly untrustworthy and is probably even, right now, thinking about his hidden, ruthless agenda.
PRESIDENT: I get it.
Somewhere else. KEVIN SPACEY is ordering MITCHELL and IRONS to do sick missions in their robotic suits.
KEVIN: Alright boys. Now you’ve got your robotic suits I need you to do a series of missions for me that both allow you to explore the power of your new suits and show off my hidden, ruthless agenda. Say, have either of you boys played Crysis?
MITCHELL: I only play Call of Duty.
KEVIN: Great choice. Anyway, I need you to get some object for me or maybe some classified data. Anyway it belongs to the US government so I need you to feel conflicted about it.
MITCHELL and IRONS feel conflicted.
During one of the missions, KEVIN SPACEY calls again on the future-phone. He is very agitated about something.
KEVIN: Did you boys get the object and/or retrieve the data?
MITCHELL: Yes, but it wasn’t easy. I had to use all of my robotic suit abilities in various situations.
WILL: Good thing we’re the best soldiers in the whole army and competent in all ways.
KEVIN: I’m going to betray you now.
[17 action sequences]
KEVIN SPACEY is justifying his appearance fee with a dramatic monologue about democracy and how, deep down, people are really just frightened sheep that need a protector.
KEVIN: And that explains why I invaded the United States of America, which is YOUR country… MISTER PRESIDENT!
The camera pans to reveal the President of the United States.
PRESIDENT: Aren’t you that guy from House of Cards?
KEVIN clenches his fists visibly.
[37 more action sequences]
WILL: I can’t believe my Dad is evil and invaded the United States and that he has super robotic armour powered by that classified data and/or object we stole for him.
MITCHELL: We haven’t got a hope of stopping his advanced armour and gadgets.
TOKEN FEMALE CHARACTER: Aren’t you guys the best soldiers and really good at wars?
WILL and MITCHELL turn to each other in amazement.
[1,029 more action sequences later, many of which take place in the same foreign land, probably China, at the start of the game. It is revealed that KEVIN SPACEY was secretly behind the global superterrorisms and this proves conclusively that war is bad.]
MITCHELL and WILL turn to each other.
WILL: I guess we did it. I guess we really did install democracy.
MITCHELL: Yeah. I guess we showed that America is good because we were willing to tackle rogue elements in our own society.
FOREIGNER, to MITCHELL: Hey, are you that guy from BioShock Infinite?
MITCHELL AND WILL TOGETHER: Ha ha ha ha!
Pause and zoom. Fade to black.
Fade back in over an Avenged Sevenfold concert in Probably China. MITCHELL and WILL join the band on stage and rock out. They are really good at guitars.
Originally published on games.on.net on May 5, 2014.